Left and U Turns

Enter subject here

2006-12-18T22:37:00.000-08:00

The most ironic thing EVER

I am standing at the front at work today. For those of you who don't know, I work at Rave, one of the trashier stores our mall has to offer featuring t-shirts that have sayings such as "if you're rich, i'm single". I don't know why I work there. Anyway, I was working the front which means I stand at the entrance and as meaninglessly as humanly possible I greet and say goodbye to everyone entering and exiting.

Well, the store was pretty empty, as it normally is so I was refolding, possibly for the thousandth time one of the stacks of t-shirts we have on this table in the front. I am trying to focus on the song playing because it is the only one I half like, "such great heights" by the postal service. Let me tell you, it's a nice break from mariah carey for the eleventh time in a row. Unfortunately, it was pretty hard for me to focus on the song because my coworkers were screeching at me in spanish, even though I have informed them a least two dozen times that I do not know spanish. Yes, I understand that my name is Racquel, which is typically a hispanic name, but that doesn't mean that I automatically know spanish.

I randomly grabbed the next stack of t-shirts to refold, that I only glance at for a second, long enough to recognize it as the most hideous shade of orange I have ever seen. That's when she walked in. Let's call her Jane, which actually sort of fits her more than her real name, but that is besides the point. I was sleeping with her boyfriend. I mean I'm not now, but I was previously. Well, eventually guilt got the best of her boyfriend and he came clean to her. So Jane, understandably, hates me, I mean it's the kind of hate where she would laugh if I was hit by a car.

Well, she walked into Rave, with some girl who I believe is her sister. I had to greet her, even though I really wanted to just hide behind a mannequin, I'm not proud of what I did, but there was no way around it, my manager was right there. So there it went: "Hi! How are you today? Well, just to let you know all of our satin tops are on sale for $9.99 today." She looked up at me, I braced myself for the worst, but she just smiled and said "thank you". I went right back to folding those ridiculous orange t-shirts. I could feel how red my face was. She left and I told her to have a good night. I don't know whether she recognized me or not, after all she has only met me in person once and that was over a year ago, when I was dating one of her friends. But I folded the last t-shirt of the stack and I really looked at it for the first time and the words wrote out "get dirty" and I laughed to myself for a long, long time.

I'm uploading a million pictures

2006-10-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

I really am. All so that Colleen and Ali will stop complaining. There are well over one hundred. I am an amazing friend, because photobucket takes forever.

I am one of those people that buys things, mainly CDs and books, by their cover art. I can't help it, and I'm sort of glad that I am that way.

In my Relevancy class, we had a really good discussion on Catcher in the Rye, even though it isn't something we are actually reading in the class. I liked that a lot; I liked that at least one book has the ability to stick, and matter, to the general mass of teenagers.

I'm very cold and my mother insists on having the air conditioner on. Pregnant women are fucking insane.

Maybe I hurt you, let's contrast and compare. Lift up your shirt the wound isn't there.

2006-10-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

I’m very sad today. I don’t know why. Haven’t you ever felt that way? I’m assuming you have, and that it’s normal teenage angst.

My nail polish is chipped. Badly.

The only thing for me to do today is clean my room. Why don’t I have any friends? I used to. I know why.

All this leads to the question that I keep coming back to and asking myself: how can I miss something that was never there in the first place?

I miss you

2006-08-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

I can't say that I don't miss you, and i can't say that I am happier now. To tell you the truth, I think about you all the time and I remember all of these times we had and it breaks my heart. But I know that I am healthier this way.

I hate you for not caring the way I needed you to. I hate you for not fighting for me. But I can't hate you; I know that doesn't make sense, but it is how I feel.

Remember when we stayed up until seven o'clock in the morning texting? What about the time when we were laying in your bed, just talking and I came home two hours past my curfew because i just didn't want you leave? Or the last time we saw each other and I was so happy because I missed you so damn much? How about when we would just stand there and hug for the longest time and you would kiss the top of my head, and then rest your chin there? Or how after we had sex you would kiss me about a thousand times with that have smile have smirk?

Because those are the only things that I can think about nowadays.

I wrote you a letter, I know I won't send it to you, but I wrote it.

Just like falling in love with you, getting over you is happening in baby steps.

2006-08-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

After everything, I am choosing to believe you, to trust you. That is a big step for me. Give me some time.

For the first time, I am starting to see myself through someone else's eyes; it is lovely. I am happy because of them, and that's what scares me.

2006-07-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I have been so mean to you.

It's because I miss you so fucking much.

2006-07-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

You are exceptional and unique. Your quest in life is to identify exactly who you are and why you’re here. What’s important to you is the journey of self discovery, determining who you are today is not the same as who you’ll be tomorrow.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You resist being categorized and are quick to question any social standard that you sense someone imposing on you. Stereotypical gender roles always interest you and, in your mind, connect to issues that most other people would never even consider related.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You can “connect” with any individual person and practically read their mind, but you have a natural tendency to match your actions to the expectations you read from their mind and yearn for company that lets you truly, naturally be yourself. You struggle between letting yourself naturally match the sentiment of the group (which feels like putting on a façade) or letting your individuality shine, which may allow people to see how different you are.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You are particularly accepting of other people and have a special talent for seeing people’s true selves instinctively. It takes time for you to trust your gut instinct about people because even you don’t believe that someone could be so right about another person’s nature so quickly. This intuitive sense about what people are thinking (which is actually your hyper-attention to nonverbal cues) is your special talent. You may think it is available to everyone and that others just ignore it, but in truth others could never develop the skill to the level which comes naturally to you.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

To you everything happens on a personal level. Your friends come to you for advice because they know that you’ll love them for who they are and put yourself in their shoes to look at the world. Your advice, although varied in delivery, usually boils down to “be true to yourself” and “listen to your heart.” You are also an excellent confidant because things told to you never return to anyone through the grapevine. You exude this quality so strongly that even strangers will sometimes spontaneously begin confiding their deepest secrets in you.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

Despite all of that, you are not much of a talker. In fact, words sometimes trip you up because you prefer nonverbal communication. Unfortunately, most of the world is not as attuned to nonverbal communication the way you are, so your opinion can get overshadowed if a more outspoken person is part of the decision.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You focus more on nurturing other’s self esteem than any other type. As a result of this naturally caring nature your close friends often turn to you for moral support.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You are by far the most talented of all types at reading nonverbal cues. In your admirable attempts to convey a message diplomatically, those who aren't sensitive to inflection, tone, insinuations or body language sometimes simply do not get your message because they only receive the verbal half of what you said.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

In the same way that you're the best at reading nonverbal cues, you're also the best at sending them. When you speak they miss the nonverbal half of your message, then they speak and transmit twice the message (verbal + nonverbal) which often gives away more than they intended but is sometimes carelessly inaccurate since they don’t send nonverbal cues as well as you do. When you're tempted to assign bias based on someone’s tone or other nonverbal cues it is wise to have them restate what they said and see if ignoring the careless, unintentional nonverbal half of their message lets the true meaning through.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

If you have children your focus is making sure that your child has a strong self-image and high self-esteem. More than other parents it is important for you to be friends with your children.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You are more philosophical than most and passionately think about ethics and justice more than other types. It is when ethical issues come up in conversation that you most strongly sense that you are fundamentally different from other people. You become visually emotionally focused when these issues arise, while others easily laugh them off and switch topics to something trivial. To you, it seems that everyone should be passionate about ending racism, sexism and other social ills.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You go by the book and are suspicious of anyone suggesting that rules or laws should be ignored. You think constantly about improving laws, and see that at a major avenue for advancing social change because you see legislation and rule creation as the consensus opinion of the group working together. For you the focus is seeing everyone working together in harmony.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You are a healer and probably give great massages and know what foods will make people happy again. You prefer to surround yourself with direct, honest, authentic people who let you reinvent yourself every time you meet. You want nothing more than for there to be peace and harmony in the world, and your actions clearly reflect that vision.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

You are more strongly moved by poetry and artistic expression than any other type. You are interested in the finer points of different artistic mediums, having many complete and incomplete poems and stories in your head if not on paper.
Click here to give feedback on this particular paragraph

Not so much an observation more or less a reflection

2006-07-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

Coming from such a desolate past with very little significance
Ive witnessed the habitual phenomenon of aspirations fade and pass on
With no hope of salvaging existence, they die off.
Though not astonishing it does play a hefty part in the abrupt decay of my character.
Preoccupied in stereotypes and common delusions, you came across my busy mind.
Night by night sketches of your name in the stars, your figure eternally burnt in my eyes
The expressions spoken have become a familiar chime in my ears, never to be forgotten
Just a slight movement of your hand, you touch my existence leaving nothing
Those dreams have all been scattered, leaving just a shard of what was
Youll assemble what can be, fixing what couldnt
Such an entity of hope, so apparent it shall transpire
The very circle I started, shall become nothing more then a symbol
It will all be a study completed by a third party
Leaving no observation or reflection untouched
What will become of my eased intellect?
There rests only a single issue, headed by two decisions

2006-07-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

No one makes my heart jump up in my throat like you do. I used to think that was a good sign, maybe it's not.

I love unexpectedly hearing from people. Someone I almost forgot, but not quite. It makes me feel like this might be something. I love being able to feel so comfortable around someone, even after months of not talking. It wasn't awkward. I am awkward, he is awkward, but that is what makes us wonderful.

late night ramble

2006-07-20T01:50:00.000-07:00

I realize at times like these, I am alone. And alone in a way that I did not think was possible. Alone, in a stong, singular voice, determined to be heard, but not scream.

There is more to this shell
than any therapy session could help
And doctor's note
or four and a half hour phone call
As time flies
the shell molds
but the sterner stuff stays put
the resilence to prevail
to find herself in
playbill
after playbill
to breathe in polluted air like it was from the Alps.

To be honest, I can't write. I'm going through a dry spell. On top of that my dogs won't stop "fighting" in the kitchen and I'm at the point where I want to strangle one or both of them. PETA come get me.

Love,
Racquel

2006-07-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

I know that I am obsessive and I think way too much. I shouldn't do that any more.

Here's part of the problem: I think so much and I sort of assume things. I assume that Aaron doesn't care anymore. I get so convinced of it, that no one can talk me out of it. I do that with a lot of things.

Somehow, I really hurt my back and I have no idea how. But, Jesus Christ, it's like a knife stabbing me from the side.

What I Like About You is really under rated. I like that show a lot.

I am kind of freaking out about college today. I think it's from talking with Noemi this morning.

I really like Cute is What we Aim for.

2006-07-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

"What are you doing?"
I don't know.

I am making a fool of myself, I know that. I know that I am being used, for whatever I have that he deems useful. Why am I doing this? Again, I don't know.

I need to talk to him about this, all of it. I need to tell him that it just can't happen anymore. But I know I never will. I'd never have to balls to do something like that. Some call it love, but I call it cowardice.

It's not his fault. Maybe last time it was, but not anymore. I am giving him this power to hurt me, despite knowing better. We both know what he is in it for, even if it has never been said. How could that be his fault? By nature, he is an ass, but I am letting him do it to me. That is my own stupidity. That is my fault for believing in such a thing as a second chance.

I can't sleep because this is all I can think about. I really want to sleep, I have a terrible headache.

I've never been able to understand how one person can care so much about the other, when the feeling is not returned. How can he be so apathetic?

Maybe I am over reacting, I have a tendency to do that. He tells me he likes me. Or, at least he has told me that. Shouldn't that be enough? Why can't I just take that and run with it? Why do I have to question every little thing.

I am annoying.

I want him so badly. But even more, I want to feel like he wants me, not just my body. I would love to think that he wants to know how I feel and what I do during the day. I want to think that he thinks about me more than when he wants some. It won't happen. I know that.

Jesus, I don't even think he knows my last name.

2006-07-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

I should have known better, I know that. In fact, I think that I did know better but I just went for it anyway, praying to someone, that some sort of miracle would happen.

Of course it didn't. Of course, you are too good for me, again. Of course, you are in love with someone else but would never tell me that to my face. None of this is new to me.

I should have known, not just wondered, that you were using me. After all, that's all anyone does anymore.

I can't say that I am surprised, but I wish I could.

You mean something to me, I don't know why but you do. It doesn't make sense, because no matter what you say, I don't know you. I wish that you would give me the chance to. I wish that you could look deeper in me and see that maybe I could help you, maybe I could be what you keep searching for.

I am more than my body, I thought that you knew that this time. You told me that you thought I was smart, you thought that I was a good judge of people. That turned out to be the most ironic statement of them all.

You want to know the worst part? I can't hate you, I never could hate you. I can't even really be mad at you. But, fuck, this can't happen anymore. You can't just keep hurting me the way that you do. I am not your little toy that you pick up when you are bored and toss aside at the sight of something shiny. Once you find out how worthless that shiny thing is, you always come back. Because you know I will take you, I suppose.

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep allowing you to come back and break my heart over and over. This isn't your fault, it's mine. It's my fault for being so delusional, and so in love, that I could believe in hope for us. You made my hope a disaster.

In all honesty, I wish you happiness and a good life. But don't think that I am ever going to allow you to talk to me again.

2006-06-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

This is stupid.

So, you think that you can completely ignore me and then come right back into my life, when we both knew the kind of things that you were doing? Uhm, no.

What's the point anyway? I mean, you are always looking for ways to cut me out of your life. One second we are fine, the next you are telling me that we shouldn't talk anymore. Make up your mind.

I care about you too much to cut you out, but I am telling you right now, that the next time you tell me that we are done, I am not fighting for you.

I guess I finally understand now.

2006-06-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

Everything is better. I am much happier now. It's all okay.

It's funny how one person, one phone call, one text, one look, anything really, can change your mood entirely. I have been so sad for the past couple of days and with one phrase, BOOM! Everything is different.

I don't like that people have that power over me.

2006-06-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

I got nothing. But I wish I had something.

Yesterday I watched Dr. 90210 for the majority of the day, and I realized that plastic surgery disgusts me. I still want it.

Basically, I'm a hypocrite.

I really wish I didn't have to go to work today.

I want new music.

Lauren is my favorite. So is Colleen.

Haha when I did spell check it replaced 'Colleen' with 'clean'.

crazy

2006-06-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

I am completely and totally crazy.

Nothing bad is even going on, everything is fine, great actually. But I can't shake the feeling that I am going to be let down. He is just telling me the things I want to hear, so that he can get in my pants.

I mean there is absolutely no proof of this. Most, if not all, of his actions show otherwise, but I just have this feeling.

I hate when my brain starts doing this. I start thinking all of these things are happening, when they aren't. I become totally paranoid. I am really crazy, like they need to lock me away.

I am feraking out.

I shouldn't be this conflicted over nothing.

2006-06-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

"so what's it like this time?"
"...new"

I don't want to talk about it, because it isn't really anything. I want it to be something. I know I shouldn't want it, because I will probably just wind up a mess, but I can't stop myself.

It really is nothing. I'm probably just going to mess it up. I usually do.

But I'm just happy. It's kind of freaking me out.

the truth about last night.

2006-05-31T18:46:00.000-07:00

I hate how everything that you do has to be one way or another. There is never any middle ground with you and me. We are either black and white, with no hint of grey. You either are telling me how much you love me or are trying to start a fight with me. I have problems with that.

I don't know how to deal with you loving me one day and not the next. What is love worth when it isn't there for me when I need it?

Last night was a love night, the first one in a long, long time. I don't know if I was prepared.

You see, I have finally started to let go of you after all of this drama, I have finally accepted that whatever we have just won't work out.

And then last night happend.

You told me everything that I have secretly been dying to hear. I didn't have to pry, I didn't have to do anything more than listen. I love that.

But I don't know if I'm ready for this to happen again, or ever. I don't know how to not fall in love with you. But I can tell you this much, I don't want to again, or at least I think I don't. I did the whole rollercoaster relationship with you. I dealt with being a constant second best, or third or fourth as is the case. I don't want to subject myself to those feelings anymore. I can't. But, like I said, I don't know how not to.

Frustration

2006-05-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

So you tell me that I am your best friend because I am unique, but if I am so unique, such an individual, why am I so easy to replace?

I know that you keep me around for when you need a fill-in. Keep me until you find someone more intriguing, someone more your style.

I thought that, for some reason, it might be different. You've talked about how much you have changed, maybe I thought that it would transfer over to me and you, but obviously it didn't.

I don't think that I am capable of doing this anymore. You are just too unstable and I can't have that in my life right now. I really want to hang on to you, but it's time to just let go.

fuck you

2006-05-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

See, I never thought the words "fuck you" meant much. They were always just words to me. I used them so freely. I still know that they are just words. But I also realize now that they hurt so much when it comes from someone you love. I don't know why.

What if

2006-05-24T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am very much a "what if" kind of person:

"What if we get into a fight, and then he gets into a car crash and I never see him again?"

"What if by not doing this essay I ruin all chances of any kind of legitimate future for myself?"

"What if things will never change?"

"What if things will never be the same?"

"What if he is really leaving this time?"

"What if I never see her again?"

And this is what I have discovered: it is fucking annoying.

I am a worry-wort by nature. I realize that, and I realize that trying to

change it would be a waste of my time. But Jesus Christ I don't need to fuel it the way that I do. I really am ridiculous sometimes, most of the time, in fact. It's no wonder people get sick of my shit so fast. I would too if I were them.

Really, it would be nice to be normal for a change.

Even if I'm not really sure on what normal is at the moment. But I do

however know what I would like to be. What I could be at my best. But I'm fairly reluctant to change these days.

I am going to Barnes & Noble where things make sense. If I had to pick one arbitrary place to live for the rest of my life I would totally pick there.

Youth

2006-05-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

I don't want to grow up. I really don't. There is just too much involved in being an adult. And let me tell you, I am not a multi-tasker. I have pretty much avoided maturing as much as possible up until this point.

Today, Noemi and I were talking about what's going to happen when she leaves for college. She is going to Santa Cruz. It was just a big realization, like that is going to be me next year. Me needing a place to stay; me needing money for bills and groceries. I can't deal with all of that responsibility.

I'll be in San Francisco next year, hopefully. That is about a million miles away from home and from all of my friends, these people that I care about. I am going to be so far away from all of these people that I depend on. For the first time I am going to have to be on my own. Do it without help. I really don't think that I can.

I hit a mail box driving home last night and just left, how fucking irresponsible is that? If I can't even own up to hitting a stupid mail box, how am I going to be able to function as an adult? I won't.

All I ever hear from adults is how they wish they had held on to their youth. They wish they could have that part of their life back. Well, my question is why did they ever give it up?

So I'm all for flying off to Never-Neverland, who's with me?

Change

2006-05-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

I guess this post is all about change, as I suppose most of life is.

This journal in itself is a change. A change from my normal journal where I write words as freely as they come into my mind with no delete button. It's a change from livejournal, which I just feel I grew out of, I guess.

"you've changed"
"so have you"
"maybe we shouldn't talk anymore"
"maybe you're right"
That conversation, about change, killed me. I had it with someone very close to me last night, and now I'm just sad. I've cried all day. I don't want it to be over, but maybe it's one of those things that has to be.

Change is a funny thing. Sometimes it makes me so happy. Sometimes I love it more than I love anything else. But other times I just wish change would stop, I wish I could just freeze a moment. Because you can never go back to that moment you were happy. You can never feel that exact way again. But maybe that's what makes life interesting. But don't you ever just want to hold on?